Today I quit my job. So okay technically, not the first time I have quit a job....but first time I quit without something to go to. Insert panic emoticon here.
Today I also write my first blog entry. Are they related? I am sure a shrink would think so.
(When in doubt...bake bread) It was time. It was definitely time.
I had already extended my mat leave several months in hoping of a part time solution that would let me be a more hands on mommy while still fulfilling my need to make spreadsheets and strategy decks. But it wasn't in the cards. No hard feelings. A hint of disappointment but a pound of relief....a decision was (had to be) made.
(i'm not sure if constant peeking is killing the rising process) So I sent in my resignation, had a beer with Mr. sixtyone45, cooked a nice lunch and decided to blog about it. I think I knew I was going to make the decision in the morning because before I went to bed I put a bone in pork shoulder in the slow cooker with a can of Coke Zero and some Budweiser BBQ sauce (too tired to come up with something original and preserve free). This is not something I usually do.
(they are certainly not rising are they?) I need to be busy. My best friend calls it achievement oriented. I think my sister calls it bossy and controlling. Mr sixtyone45 would say somewhere between type A and B, C plus perhaps? I made the ground breaking discovery that I am not the only new-ish mom in her late thirties struggling with career and family...go figure.
(I think meat is hard to make look pretty sometimes) I find the unknown unsettling - and not in the good way. Not exciting unsettling, or nervous unsettling...just "something is missing" unsettling. I love being a mom. Love it even more than I thought I could. I just don't know why it doesn't feel like enough. And don't get me wrong, I'm usually exhausted by 7pm.
(looking good right? fell right off the bone) And certainly not bored. I don't know why I cannot just sit back and enjoy the brief ride of having a little one. Its going by so fast. Why do I feel the need to multitask with him all the time?
I will cherish what I know will be too few moments with Little sixtyone45.
I will strive to get my house in order to make more space for said moments above.
I will create...food, art, design, pretty folders....and nourish what I believe is an absent creative gene.
I will not be so hard on myself, my Mr., my Little and those around me.
I will be more present, live more deliberately, lighten up, get serious and enjoy every minute of it.
Some of What I did Today
Its a beautiful day today and I made a beautiful lunch for my family. And if that is all I produce today, it will be a great day. Now we are off to the park....
Coca Cola and Bud BBQ Slow Roasted Pork with Beer Braised Onions on Homemade Buns
(recipe to follow)